Preparing for Marriage

You might be at a point in your relationship when you are considering marriage. On this page you will find helpful resources for discerning and preparing for the sacrament of marriage.

If you are a parish staff member or volunteer in need of resources or information, please visit our Marriage Prep Resources page.

Foundations for a healthy marriage

Faith life

See yourself and your relationship through the lens of faith.

The closer we come to Jesus the more we grow and the more effectively we learn to love. This intimacy with Jesus will help us know our calling and grow in our capacity to authentically love another. The better we know Jesus, the better we will love.

In the book of Acts (Acts 2:42) the Church provided a guide to how we can grow in our relationship with Jesus:

Understand who Jesus is through the Creed or teachings of our Church. Click here to find resources to learn more about your faith.
Participate actively in the Sacraments.
Live "Life in Christ" by doing the good for others.
Dedicate yourself to prayer to grow in your relationship with God.
The better we know Jesus, the better we will grow in our capacity to authentically love one another. To learn more, read the US Catholic Catechism for Adults which provides so much more.

Reflection

Do you share in each other's faith? A shared spiritual life can help strengthen a couple's relationship, even in relationships where two people don't share the same religion. If your relationship with Jesus is an important part of your life, it would be ideal for your spouse to be able to share in your faith and to support your spiritual growth.

If you don't already share your spiritual life, invite your prospective spouse to get to know your faith. It will help them get to know you better and deepen your relationship. Don't be afraid to invite them to join you at church.

Family and culture

Share your family history and your cultural background.

When Jesus came to us, he came through a particular family that included ancestors with admirable and not so admirable histories (Matthew 1:1-17). It is helpful to be able to interpret the things we need to retain from our family history, such as virtuous habits and loving behavior. We also need to be aware of the things we need to move past, such as bad habits and wrongs done. By having a strong understanding of our family and cultural backgrounds, we can grow as individuals and be able to help our future spouses become part of our family.

Reflection

How is your relationship with each other's families? Does your significant other like your family? Does your family like your significant other? Likewise, do you have a good relationship with their family?

Take notice of the family patterns in each other's families. Without judgement, identify patterns that could factor into the work of building a loving relationship. Reflect on how these factors may affect you as individuals, as a couple, and as a future family.

Openly discuss any challenges that may be present in each other's family background. Reflect on how these challenges may affect your relationship, and how you might need to come to terms with these challenges.

Strong friendships

Build strong friendships that help you grow.

Good friendships help us grow as people. They ground and encourage us whether we are married or single. Take a good look at your friendships. Spend more time with friends who help you become a better person: someone who lives a life of virtue. Click here to find out about events for Young Adults in our Archdiocese where you can meet others who share your faith.

Reflection

Is your significant other a good friend? What are some aspects of your friendship that you appreciate the most? What aspects need to increase or improve?

How do you feel when you spend time with each other? How has your relationship shaped you as an individual?

Does your significant other have long term friendships? Do you like his or her friends? Do your friends like your significant other? How do your friendships with other people factor into your relationship?

Virtues

Live and grow in virtue.

The virtues are habits or "firm dispositions" (CCC 1804-1845) that help us to be a good person. Wisdom or "prudence" enables us to choose the good. Justice enables us to give others in our lives what they are due. Courage or "fortitude" strengthens us to overcome difficulty to do the good. Self-control or "temperance" helps us to set aside pleasures and temptations that might get in the way of us doing the right thing. By asking God to help us develop these virtues and practicing them in our daily lives we will become better potential spouses. We will also become better at determining whether or not the people we meet might be a good spouse.

Reflection

Does your prospective spouse have a pattern of virtue in their lives? Which of the virtues do you notice the most in his or her life (wisdom, justice, courage and self-control)? Which virtues need to increase?

Reflect on your own life and honestly assess your own practice of the virtues. Which of the virtues are areas of strength for you? Which virtues need strengthening?

What are you doing, as a couple and as individuals, to grow in the practice of a virtuous life?

Professional life

Consider the realities of balancing work with married and family life.

Some professions are more conducive to family life than others. Many professions carry with them responsibilities that will impact family life, such as travel, long hours, debt, and more. Consider these trade-offs when choosing your profession or considering marriage. Be prepared to have honest conversations about the impact of these trade-offs when it comes to entering the married life.

Reflection

What are your current professions? How well do these professions align with each other?

What are your professional aspirations? What steps still need to be taken in order for you to feel fulfilled in your professional life? How would these steps affect your life together?

What are your values for life, marriage, and family? How do your respective professions support or conflict with those values? If any conflicts exist, what are you willing to change in order to better serve your shared goals?

Conflict management

Be prepared for conflict.

Every relationship has conflict. Reflect on how conflict was managed in your respective families. Whether or not you are getting married, it is important to develop good conflict resolution skills with your family and friends. Learn how to constructively ask for what you want. Learn how to be self-aware and accept when you need to say "I'm sorry."

Reflection

What conflicts have you faced in your relationship so far? What have you learned about your approaches to conflict management?

What patterns do you notice in your significant other's conflicts with family and friends?

How does your significant other ask for what they want? How do you tend to ask for what you want for yourself?

Reflect on your respective abilities to concede, compromise or forgive when needed. What aspects of reconciliation and conflict-resolution need to improve in your individual lives?

What steps have you taken, or are taking now, to grow in your abilities to handle conflict?

Openness to life

"The family is a school of deeper humanity." (Gaudium et spes 52)

Getting married means becoming a family. We will not only love our spouse, but our spouse's family, and any children that God sends our way. This love means real sacrifice on our part. On the other hand, true joy flows from those sacrifices as we open ourselves to God’s will by caring for the people he sends us. This includes an openness to life, including welcoming children into our homes.

Click here to learn more about the teachings of the Church on openness to life

Click here to learn more about methods of Fertility Awareness and Natural Family Planning.

Reflection

What is your definition of a family? How does your definition or idea of a family align or conflict with that of your potential spouse?

What are your thoughts on the idea of having children? How do your thoughts on parenthood align or conflict with those of your significant other, or with the teachings of the Church?

How conducive is your current lifestyle to raising a family? What changes need to be made in order to prepare your home and your life for a child? How ready or willing are you to make those changes, as individuals and as a couple?

Planning your Catholic wedding

Preparing for your wedding can be overwhelming, but it can also be very fruitful and strengthening for your relationship with your future spouse. Below are some helpful resources for engaged couples who are preparing to get married in the Catholic church.

Contact your parish

Step 1: Contact your parish.

As soon as you decide you want to get married in the Church, make an appointment to speak with the pastor of your parish, or the appropriate parish delegate who can facilitate the preparations for you.

Plan to contact your parish no less than six months prior to your desired wedding date, even if the date itself isn't firm. Communicating with your parish early will help you start out on the right foot in your planning. It also helps ensure that you and your parish have as much time as possible to make the necessary arrangements for the big day.

Contact your parish before you make any other arrangements. It's important to make sure that your date is secured before making any other plans for the big day.

If you are not getting married at your own parish, contact your home parish anyway. They can answer any preliminary questions you might have.

Don't have a home parish but want to get married in a Catholic church? You can start by contacting the parish nearest to you, or the parish where you hope to hold your wedding ceremony. They can help answer any questions you might have, and point you in the direction of your next steps in the process.

Meet with your parish

Step 2: Meet with your parish.

When you meet with your parish representative they will describe the preparation process, begin the necessary paperwork and set your tentative wedding date. The initial meetings will ensure that there is nothing standing in the way of a wedding in the Church and will help you understand the sacrament.

Your pastor knows that nothing is more helpful to a marriage than the relationship with Jesus established by the Sacrament of Marriage. The primary concern of your parish is to prepare you to receive the sacrament, more than the logistics of a ceremony itself. This might mean you need to do more prepatory work than expected, but trust us — it will be worth it!

If you have been away from the church for a while, don't worry — the Church welcomes you back with open arms! We encourage you and your fiancé/e to begin your wedding preparations by going to Mass. Celebrating the Eucharist together will help strengthen both of you through your engagement. And by making a commitment to go to Mass together on Sundays, you are also renewing your relationship with the Church and your parish community.

Pre-marital assessment

Step 3: Take a pre-marital assessment.

Your parish will give you and your fiancé/e an assessment to help with marriage preparation (FOCCUS, Prepare/Enrich, etc.). This assessment will explore questions regarding matters ranging from family background, finances, children, and more.

The goal of the pre-marital assessment is to help you learn more about one another. The process is meant to encourage open dialogue, and can help you explore your differences as well as your commonalities.

When going through the assessment, it's important to be honest with yourselves and with each other. Some couples might feel tempted to answer the questions in a way that they feel paints them or their relationship in a good light. Remember that the goal of the assessment is to help you prepare for the sacrament and your lifelong commitment to one another.

Marriage prep

Step 4: Begin marriage preparation.

Each pastor evaluates the best marriage preparation curriculum and method depending upon the needs of the couple and the resources of the parish. Regardless of the method used, you should anticpate that the program will explain the meaning of the Sacrament of Marriage and help prepare you to live the sacrament. Additionally, each marriage preparation program you receive should include:

A minimum six-month preparation period
A minimum of 12 hours of instruction
A process for determining the couple’s readiness for marriage
Discussing and completing pre-marital documents and assessment tools (e.g., FOCCUS, PMI)
Resolving marriage impediments (if any)
Catechesis regarding the Sacrament of Marriage
Discussing the theology of a Catholic marriage
Planning the wedding in accordance to the Rite of Marriage of the Catholic Church
Respect for cultural and family traditions

Natural family planning

Final steps

Betrothed: A Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage

Betrothed invites couples to prepare for a joyful, lifelong marriage. Blending hands-on learning of practical life skills with excellent catechesis and insights from St. John Paul II’s Theology of the Body, this marriage-prep retreat is designed to impact on the quality of a couples’ communication, conflict resolution, and shared sense of mission.

Learn more

The Archdiocese of Seattle accepts all marriage preparation programs that have been approved by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops (USCCB). For a list of approved programs, visit this page.

Other considerations

Getting your marriage license

If you are applying for a marriage license in Washington state, please contact the county where your wedding will take place.

If you are getting married in another state, please refer to state laws on how to obtain a marriage license.

It is the responsibility of the couple to ensure this process is done correctly and on time.

Once you have the civil marriage license, please give the license to the parish wedding coordinator.

At the ceremoney, the bride and groom will immediately sign the marriage license and certificate along with 2 witnesses. The parish will submit the completed license to the state.

Getting married out of state

If you are planning to get married in another state or country, begin by contacting the parish where you wish to do marriage preparation and let them know that you will be getting married out of state. They will guide through the paperwork that is needed, such as Baptismal certificates, witness statements, completion of marriage preparation paperwork.

They will have you and your fiancé/e take a pre-marital inventory and may also do counseling based on the results.

Once you complete a marriage preparation program or engaged retreat, the parish will send all the paperwork to the Archdiocese of Seattle, who will then forward the paperwork to the appropriate diocese. A fee may be assessed with this transfer of paperwork, especially if it is out of the country.

Annulments

If you have questions about the annulment process, please contact the Archdiocese of Seattle Tribunal at 206-382-4830 or 800-950-4926.

Preparing for Marriage

Foundations for a healthy marriage

See yourself and your relationship through the lens of faith.

Reflection

Share your family history and your cultural background.

Reflection

Build strong friendships that help you grow.

Reflection

Live and grow in virtue.

Reflection

Consider the realities of balancing work with married and family life.

Reflection

Be prepared for conflict.

Reflection

"The family is a school of deeper humanity." (Gaudium et spes 52)

Reflection

Planning your Catholic wedding

Step 1: Contact your parish.

Step 2: Meet with your parish.

Step 3: Take a pre-marital assessment.

Step 4: Begin marriage preparation.

Step 5: Explore natural family planning (NFP).

Step 6: Prepare for the liturgy.

Betrothed: A Preparation for the Sacrament of Marriage

Other considerations

Getting your marriage license

Getting married out of state

Annulments